To compete with oneself

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�?先生這麼說,難�?�當真�?懂茶?
�?是我�?懂,是我�?願懂. 我�?想將茶分出高低. 是茶就好.
�?�是這茶就有高低跟�?�?��?性.
什麼是高? 什麼是低? 它們本身都是生長在自然當中, 並沒有高低之分.
看來閣下真�?懂, �?�則的話自然會�?出高低的.
先生說的也�?, 所以在我看來, 茶�?的上下高低並�?是由茶來�?我們說, 到是由人來決定. �?�?�的人有�?�?�的�?�擇, 我�?願�?�這個�?�擇.
哦? 為什麼?
�?茶是一種心情, 如果你的心情�?�?, 茶的高低還有那麼�?�?�?�?
哦? 俺也�?曾想�?�. 以先生看來, 世上的武術派如此�?多, 難�?�說也沒有甚麼高低上下之分?
我想是這樣.
那麼先生, 俺也想請教你, 既然武術沒有高低之分, 為何還�?比武競技呢?
我以為世上的武術確實沒有高低之分, �?�有習武的人�?有強弱之別. 通�?�競技我們�?�以發�?�跟�?識一個真正的自己, 因為我們真正的�?手�?�能就是我們自己.
�?�有通�?�競技, �?能�?識真正的自己. 莫�?�先生的�?�?最�?�怕的競技在自己內心?

~Fearless

I didn’t enjoy beating others at anything. I’d always end up feeling bad for humiliating the person. As a consequence, I lost on purpose in head on clashes. It was asubconscious mental block that I had no control over. Yes, it seemed simple to just decide one day that I wasn’t going to be controlled by this, but the path I had to take to reach this state, twisted and turned in a frustrating dance.

I used to puzzle over this when i won dancesport competitions and spent the night mulling over why shame hadn’t taken over all my other emotions to make me screw up the routine. In simple terms, I was fine at winning against a group, but felt guilty when winning against one opponent. That explained why I dance best when up against a large competitor base while I performed the worst when there are only 2 or 3 couples. However, I still couldn’t figure out the root of it and I used it as a scapegoat for not achieving anything great.

Perhaps the few years I spent being ridiculed for my Chinçais during high school has taught me to be kind and never make another feel that way. Perhaps it was my ignorance in believing that there are no better or worse person in the world. I was never able to completely shut the feeling of shame and kindness away even though I was constantly aware of it and anticipated its arrival. Perhaps in saving others from the humiliation it soothed over my past experiences of the same.

The complete realization that it dissappeared from my character dawned on me during a quick match of UT2004 at lunch. In its stead is the raging beats of my adrenaline filled heart. This state didn’t just switch on like transistors, it lurked around the corner of my vision during the paintball match, raced through my veins in a head to head match of chess until finally, it filled me with joy when I lifted my self-imposed handicap through a left handed configuration and decided to take the crown during in a death match. What changed? I asked myself several times before arriving to the conclusion. I have stopped dreaming and started choosing.