Thin line to crazy

By watching you, I’ve been able to slowly come to the understanding that I used to be crazy.

I find that one of my qualities is that the rational mind is the overlord of my actions. That I spent several years, and constantly pushed for a part of me to be always calculating the odds of of events happening. To strive to be a mentat and succeeding in some part, failing in other parts at it.

That calculating part of me was the part that warned me initially of a revelation in life. The possibility that the disgust I feel in someone’s action is due to a fact that I view the world through my own life’s filter. The behavior is pronounced because it is part of what I do. For others, it might not even be acknowledged.

It was that part of me that warned me of this possibility when I thought of you as crazy. That part of me that asked me to observe, learn and figure out a way to understand and highlight the cause. And to attempt to help you heal. Because I need to know that if I ever fall that far into the abyss, there’s a way for me to come back. So far, it has only led me to abhor you even more.

Roughly, we can measure the craziness in a person by how vocal a person is with their inner dialogue. You know, that conversation you are always having with your ego inside. Not the subconscious, but the part that takes place with the primary language you use. This need to vocalize one’s inner dialogue is brought on by various emotional triggers. For me, it was embarrassment, for you it was both that and anger. For others, I think other emotional exist as triggers.

The crazier the person appears to be, the less control they have at keeping this dialogue within themselves. But notice something? We all have this inner dialogue and they are kept inside because we know it is too messed up for the outside world to hear.

Some part though, I believe is related to a sense of entitlement. As if we are the most important person in the world, there’s no wrong in what we say. Therefore it is ok to vocalize the most insane inner dialogue. Other parts, is the need for attention, to express the feelings that no one wants to hear in hope of getting sympathy. I think what we fail to realize often is that in reality, people respond with real actions. People with this problem lives with rainbows and unicorns and has no idea this reflects badly on them. People who are not crazy knows it will and hence controls it better. The need to gain contact and sympathy leads to more vocalization and isolation from others, which leads to even more need for sympathy. Thus begins the feed back loop to insanity. Mostly this.

This blog, keeps me from having to discuss what I just wrote with people and quenching my thirst to vocalize them. For me it might sound like important intellectual conversation, for others, it is just crazy.