The problem was I can’t seem to sit through anything to the end anymore. There’s a feeling of restlessness and frustration that makes everything so unsatisfying. Others in similar place as me are encountering the same problem but in different ways. One of them described it as “Read 10 books in a year but barely got 2~3 sentence of new information worth remembering.”
With that in mind I begin travelling again, not looking for the journey to give me an answer, but using the escape to actively ponder this problem through forced meeting of others with different perspectives.
My hunch is that this frustration came about due to my expanded abilities to foresaw possible outcomes and predict the most probable ones. Results of all the efforts I put into understanding human natures of different culture and the valuation of things. As a result, it gets harder and harder to find something that I cannot foresee, robbing me of pleasant surprises. It reminded me of an incident where an ex of mine gave me a present and I was able to guess what they were before I opened them. The act of gifting itself was a surprise to me as I had misjudged her level of interest, however the fact that “If she were to give me a present now, it’d be socks” was in my mind foreshadowed a bit of the future that is in store for me.
I’ve written many drafts before, but never published them. They felt more like bragging, like a presentation of what I’ve done and upon a review, seemed so irrelevant because I don’t think it is anything special. Mostly because I understand that the average Joe ain’t interested in it. On top of that, I couldn’t talk about a lot of the interesting (and boring to most) things I did, but that restriction will soon be lifted and irrelevant. And the most important consideration is that, in this day and age where people get butt hurt so easily, the way and reason I use to arrive at a conclusion will be offensive to many. Social bullying for a different opinion is a real threat.
The result of all these fun projects are probably boring to read, but I do believe that how I arrived at them and the internal debates might be interesting to some and write about. After all, I believe it was exactly this cluelessness about this world and the headstrong way I go about trying to fit in that interested most of my original readers. With that in mind, I’ve decided to pick up the keyboard again.