Evil phase

Discipline, adopt a habit, do not rely on motivation and life will get better.

That’s what I’ve been believing for a while. Everyday I worked hard at the new habits I’ve been developing while fighting the drowsiness. It felt like I am headed to a good finishing line, but things always goes bad at the same time. I believe I know this before. It doesn’t anger me anymore that things are going bad, but the reason why it is going bad.

I had such an optimistic view about people and life after my spiritual and meditative journey, but all that optimism about human nature got destroyed one by one as I grind through each day in the real world. Everyday, I put a little test out there to see the outcome and every day I get disappointed by the choices that people make… the choices predicted by taking on a very dark view of human nature.

Somehow, today, all the results culminated in making me very angry. So angry that I am pushed towards ending the experiment now. I got all the results I needed from my point of view. 6 months is a good period for experimenting living the life as the “good” me.

I am also angry because I realized that what I’ve been doing, is similar to some weird thing that I’ve been doing before. Simply put, I do not go after something with everything I got, for fear of a total rejection after having put all my effort in. This way, I can still stroke my own ego saying that “It’s ok, I didn’t put everything in anyway.” I thought I had killed that way of thinking before, but there is no arguing that my current situation is exactly like that.

It is time to end this charade and use the anger and all my advantages to move into the next phase. It is time to be evil.