I hold a secret that only 3 people in this world knows about and it is a secret that will completely change people’s view about me and how they interact with me. But even of those people I told, they still only have a murky notion of the exact details of the secret.
As the secret grows and define me more, my personality changes more. Because I put up such a good facade of the old self, some people gets angry, thinking that I don’t deserve the type of behavior that I am exhibiting. In their mind, it is impossible for someone like me to be this secret. Just like it is impossible for most woman to fathom that I used to compete in dance sport. Which is kind of another secret that I kind of keep and don’t tell people about. I tend to view dancesport as more of a surprise that is only revealed to woman I like after I got to know her for a long time. The secret though, should never be revealed to anyone. Not even family.
The funniest thing is. Because I hold no importance to the facade that I present to the daily life, it act as a very clear mirror on other people’s view on their self. Because we all look at the world with the filter that is created by our own experiences. Looking at the watch for some might signal impatience while for others it might signal respect for your time. Texting on the phone might mean slacking off at work, or for others, talking to important clients of the younger generation who don’t use phones or emails.
It is only because it is not the true self that I am able to view things clearly. I have no ego involved since it is not me and I have no interest in defending the facade since I have no ego. Part of the reason why people cannot guess what I am thinking I suppose.
People who lived with me, probably knows that I have some weird quirks, especially when I think I am alone and no one is looking. They seem to be getting better as I am defined more by the recent events than I am from the past event. The quirks seems to be a results of thinking back to past events that I didn’t understand back then with the full wisdom of an adult that has traveled the dusty road. As the current events defines me more, the past will only fade into obscurity. The only explanation I can cook up is that it is a type of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.