Death puts a damper on everything. While not suffering from sudden bouts of tears, life’s ups and downs gets dampened. It’s hard to feel any joy but at the same time, things that used to be a downer also just flows right past me. Everything is just an event that needs to be checked so I can continue to live.
I know that I have to eat and be around people, but I often wonder what the point is. I am just following the words of wisdom of all those who’ve been through this. I guess that’s it. I am just a zombie following orders right now. The world seems the same where ever I am.
Since Lethaeus’s death, I’ve been wasting my time immersed in Diablo 3. Somewhere in my mind, there’s an association between the two because when I calculated her approximate time of death, it rest approximately around the release of Diablo 3. I do not believe in coincidences. I even have a hardcore mode character with her name that I am too chicken to use because I don’t want her to die. So here I am, playing Diablo 3 diligently because I want there to be an association between the two.
A few things that consoles me in this and a few things that made me guilty even though I understand that cat’s can’t reason like human. She died instantly, hit by a car in the head. Wow, typing the last sentence was harder than I thought. At least I am not treated to months of searching or the knowledge that she lived after the hit and run and I could’ve saved her if I cared enough to look for her… which make up part of my built. Why didn’t I care enough to look for her? For a moment in time, I had this thought that I can be more free and fly anywhere if I don’t have to lookout for a cat, maybe she killed herself so I can have that freedom. Or she got depressed enough to kill herself. I am glad I hugged her the night before for the final time and we cuddled for a while for one last time. I teared up a bit. Who is to know how intelligent cats are? I still remember the day I went to pickup Lethe. Her mom came back specifically to lick her clean even though I made my choice without touching or specifically targeting her.
Outside of details, death really puts a perspective on what is important… once I’ve recovered my senses. Not saying I have fully, but I am starting to glean a sense of that, of what is important.