A lot of things crumbled around me recently. It’s not in my nature to quit once I started something, I’d like to see things till it’s complete, but that’s also part of my problem. I have no self control in starting things and that really screws with something called called life time efficiency. Is it really worth doing this? Or should I just quit all together? Who is it that says I must persist until the end?
I have to say that I have been paralyzed, not wanting to do anything. I am in the process of understanding what quitting something means. To see what life is like without the things I quit. Because if I don’t, I feel like I am lying to myself about what I really wanted and what’s really important to me above all else right now. The past year had been about my family and I think I’ve mended the rift between my parents so that’s done. Soon, after Christmas, it will be all about me so I better figure this out.
It’s pretty amazing really. When the problem began 5 years ago, I told myself that I don’t want to let things just fall apart and that I want to make an effort to keep my family together. I think that the rest of the family thinks the same and we worked towards achieving that goal and it happened. Having grown up in the western culture, I initially wanted to just let the adults deal with their own shit (Not that following the eastern culture’s parent-children iron curtain separation is any better). In the end, I think it’s the realization that what I want to happen actually count for what will happen, instead of the event being something out of my control.
Now that things died down and I have time to think about it, I’ve always had something to stress over. Next year, there will be nothing, at least nothing new that I have not done before. Nothing challenging and everything is just to extend the past. This non-stressness, a direct result of having done quite a few things in my life, is rather disappointing. Perhaps I’ve just seen enough that not much phase me anymore.