Waiting before my heat is up and to showdance in front of hundreds of people. Fighting off the adrenaline high, keeping my energy up.
Waiting, for the previous trainer to finish his topic while mentally simulating my part in the presentation. The jokes I am going to insert, the questions I am going to ask and the exercises that I will make them do.
Waiting before a board meeting with bigwigs of a company. Calming my nerves with coffee and repeating to myself what not to say or think. Forcing myself to take it easy and find a way to believe that they are my long time friends.
Waiting for many many occasions right before a big important unknown. Exciting, exhausting and emotional. Over and over again until it no longer phases me because I no longer seek other people’s approval on my performance.
Yet nothing compares to this. A large buildup to an event of something I’ve been waiting for years on. Compared to the other shorter term transitions, I can’t rely on the flow of the moment to get me through the internal turmoils. No, the prboelm with this is that I have too much time to think without being able to act on anything. Too much time to criticize, too much time to read about other’s failures and too much time for doubts.
Worst of all, I am seeking the approval of myself from myself. The most critical person in the world.
Call this a poem if you’d like.