I don’t want to hear or see you

Jealousy defined our relationship. Ever since I realized that, I’ve sought of ways that would rid me of this feeling. But no matter how much time have passed, I still get that heart wrenching jealousy whenever I randomly came across one of your pictures. This feeling lasted long after the love had died, past the eventual indifference to finally transcend time. Not even the longing that I had for my first ex lasted this long.

I hate feeling this way. Negativity overwhelming to my otherwise peaceful life. I feel as if I am being reduced back to the person that I was. Frustrating because I want to show you how much I’ve grown yet spiteful at the very thought of wanting to please you. It drives me to seek enlightenment hoping that one of these will release me from your hold. A hold that only I know of.

Maybe I should congratulate you on a job well done? At being so good at it that I had to perform a clean cut to stop all ties with you. To tell you the truth, I was afraid, very afraid. That if I had kept in touch, I would be reduced to a pure being of jealousy. Till this day, it still comes back as strongly as before, yet I am not jealous of anything in the world. No, I’ve become a very giving person in the process. Sharing, giving while trying my hardest to not envy and not need. Making sure that I will no longer be jealous of anything.

Yet whenever someone mentioned you, there’s that feeling again. Each and every time I’d ask myself what I am jealous about? Each time the answer is pure and simple: your understanding of me.

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