It’s only after I went back and visited a competition did I realize for the first time how different I am from the people there. I bumped into old acquaintances, but the interaction remained polite and awkward. Our relationships never grew past dancing and the topic never strayed from it either.
Most of all, I didn’t want to hear about her.
People seem to enjoy being the first to feed me the bits and pieces while I took mental note of those who probed my other areas of life first to determine that I am not ready to hear the facts yet. Thank you for your consideration.
Photographing kept my mind off the past. The numerous engagement with authority gave me some practice in wiggling around them in order to get what I want. Which is, basically, to take my pictures in peace. I don’t know when it started, but it seems that videotaping and picture taking with a pro camera is severally frowned upon. The organizers grant a certain firm exclusive right to sell the art taken during the competition and these people are very adamant in making sure that no competitor is around to steal their business. When is video taping your friends dancing not allowed?
That kept me busy throughout the night, but when it ended, I am still faced with the same question. The setting always reduce me to a pure emotional being, but why was I upset in hearing that she is doing well in Germany? I secretly wished her to grow fat and alone! The reality didn’t go with what I had in mind which unnerved me. Seriously Peter, I thought you’ve grown out of these petty thoughts. Or maybe, the rebellious part of me, the part that gave me that push to start in dancesport in the first place, wished that I did the same thing. That I am traveling the world and having a blast dancing in different countries. But you did you moron!
It put a part of my character in an hi-relief sharp focus. A sudden searing bright light converged on the letters of a question I once asked myself: “What is wrong with me?”. I know the answer and knew it all along. I just never chose to link the question to its answer. The character flaw that I couldn’t grasp within myself is a very silly pride. It explains a lot of my little quirks.
I like to feel special and unique and have my secrets discovered by people and later worshiped. Feigning a sense of mystery in the process
Believe me, words doesn’t do this silly feeling justice. At least, I have now come to term with this and am at awe at how great I felt today, when this simply… does not exist in my interactions with others anymore. I said to myself: “I chose not to live like that.”