Understanding self

I am like a little kid who needs people to know the little good deeds I’ve done.

I think I’ve managed to isolate the flaw in my character. It was hard because my subconscious kept trying to block me from it. Even as I speak, my mind automatically wonders away from the truth. Sort of like suppressed memories. It is a feeling there, but I just don’t want to go deep into it.

Laughter is my automatic defense. When I am embarrassed. So sometimes I laugh at the wrong thing. It has something to do with my nature to try and make the mood comfortable around me.

There’s also my tendency to cut off others as soon as I heard what I want to hear. I don’t let people finish. I have to remember that others want to be heard too. It also explains why I have problems understanding what people says sometimes. I can hear the sound and reproduce them perfectly, but I just couldn’t understand the meaning. I used to think that it is because I have to first find the language out of the 3 I speak by finding some keywords and tone that tells me which language it is. But I’ve ignored the fact that my brain could filter out things I don’t want to hear when i don’t expect to hear them. It could explain why I always want to lead the conversation.

That particular trait is probablly linked to childhoood memories when people made fun of my poor english and french.

It’s good to know where the problem came from. Now I can try and correct my behavior. It is amazing, how hard it is to do. It’s just an instinct that wants to act right away and the only way to stop it, is to stop everything else and let it pass first. Then think and then do. It makes me feel slow witted.